Crying
by silverNsirius4ever
Summary: STORY IS ALIVE ONCE MORE! this is about the night Lily and James died. Not the event itself, but the people it affected. What they lost.
1. In The Midst of it All

It was the thirty-first of October, and Sirius shook his raven black hair out of his eyes as he spoke to his friend. Remus was reading the daily prophet and drinking muggle orange juice.

"I think I'll go visit James," Sirius said sheepishly, "as its Halloween and all."

"You do that," Remus replied not really listening because he was absorbed in his newspaper.

"By the way," Sirius said, "have you seen Wormtail anywhere?"

"No," Remus said taking his eyes off his newspaper, "I haven't seen him for a while, and he hasn't answered my owls."

"Me neither. Well, see you. Have fun with your grandmother!" Sirius laughed and went out the door brushing his elegant black hair out of his eyes.

He pulled his flying motorbike out from under its invisible cover, and got on it. On his way he wondered what Lily and James were doing and also what was going on with Peter. He listened to the rumble of his motorbike underneath him and laughed at himself internally. Who cared why Peter wasn't in touch. Maybe he was visiting his aunt by broom or something. Sirius had never liked Peter very much. He had put up with him because James liked him so much… and trusted him so much…

An owl whooshed by. Sirius didn't know why but he suddenly remembered something. It was at Hogwarts and he and James had resolved to try and drop out of Divination permanently. But neither of them did anything but stare at the teacher stupidly. After the lesson they asked each other why they hadn't done anything. To clear their conscience, they both resolved to drop out of that Muggle Studies (which James had only signed up for because Lily had and Sirius and James had to share the same classes) that very day. Neither of them did. Sirius smiled at the memory. He and James had had such a good time at Hogwarts.

James and Lily were a good couple, Sirius thought, they always stuck together. Unless you count James stalking her endlessly until seventh year at Hogwarts. James had asked Lily out about four thousand times before she finally agreed. Sirius laughed because James had told him many times that he was lucky that so many girls liked him, and yet James was the one who ended up married.

And then a sudden spasm of horror made Sirius's insides seem to disappear. As he approached where Lily and James's house should have been, he saw a pile of rubble instead.

"N-no." he whispered hoarsely, "H-he, would – would never – never –"

He came closer and landed near the pile of rubble. He saw two lumps in the pile of rubble and uncovered them both. Then he opened his eyes and looked down upon the dead bodies of Lily and James Potter. It was not raining, but something wet rolled down his check and he brushed it away. He held each of their still and cold hands in his. He did not want to believe they were dead, but there they were, in front of him, and he had to believe it.

"Mmm – mm" He said, it was all he could manage, a low moan. He felt as if his throat had closed up. He couldn't breath. He let go of Lily and James's hands and then saw a piece of rubble shift slightly. He ran towards the piece of rubble that had shifted and moved it aside. Underneath it was a small baby boy with jet black hair and emerald green eyes. Sirius picked up the baby and cradled it in his arms and noticed a thin, lighting bolt shaped cut on his forehead. He wiped the small trickle of blood from it and kissed Harry on the cheek.

_How did a little guy like you survive? _Sirius thought astounded, but too blinded by grief to wonder for too long, _How could peter betray you…Lily and James… us?_ He was not capable of normal speech.

A huge figure of a man approached slowly and said "Oh, S-Sirius, I'm on Dumbledore's orders. I 'ave to get Harry. Sources say 'e was s-still a-alive. I 'ave to bring 'im to Dumbledore." The low and broke several times, as if the speaker was about to cry.

"Hagrid," Sirius managed to say. As sad and angry as he was about Lily and James's deaths, he loved Harry almost as much as he had loved them, and was able to speak, only for Harry. "Give H-Harry to me, I'm his g-godfather. I'll t-take care of him."

"N-no," Hagrid said, "Dumbledore says I 'ave to bring Harry straight to 'im."

"No! P-please. I need to – I have to –"

"No! It's Dumbledore's orders –"

"Who cares Hagrid, who cares? Doesn't it seem right that he goes with his g-godfather?"

"I'm sorry Sirius." Hagrid said and pried the baby from Sirius's arms.

"I at least want to make sure he is safe on the journey," Sirius said, "so here." And he muttered an engorgement charm making his motorbike swell to an enormous size. "Use my motorbike," Sirius added, "I won't be needing it."

"Thanks," Hagrid said shakily, patting Sirius on the shoulder comfortingly, taking care not to hit too hard, "I'm r-really, really sorry 'bout Lily and James, Sirius."

"I know," Sirius said, "me too." But he was way beyond sorry. And now the grief that had filled him was being combined with anger. Uncontrollable anger, at Peter Pettigrew. The traitor! The betraying rat! As Hagrid got onto the giant motorbike and rode away Sirius began to sob uncontrollably. Huge, shoulder shaking sobs vibrated through his body and he felt tears stream thickly down his face.

The anger was building up inside Sirius, driving him mad. He drew breath and then bellowed out into the still, empty night, "RAT! TRAITOR! HOW YOU DARED?" and then, panting, he turned into a large black dog and lay awake by the dead bodies of his friends all night, unable to make another sound. And for one moment, the haunting mystery of Harry's survival prodded at Sirius's mind, but frankly, he didn't care how Harry survived; only that he was alive, and that Lily and James were dead. He would shortly find out why Harry survived but for now, he let it go completely and another, horrible thought haunted him. _It's my fault, _was all he could think, _it's all my fault…_

**The next day…**

"I'm tracking him down," Sirius said to the body of James when the sun rose, "I'm tracking him down and I'm going to kill him!" He sounded almost cheerful. Sirius heard himself and wondered whether he was going mad. But he worked tirelessly for the next three hours and a half to track Peter down. And he succeeded.

Sirius was backing up into the corner of the street, and had his wand out, and he was scowling and pointing his wand at where Peter's heart supposedly was. But to the people in the street in looked like Peter had tracked Sirius down, which was certainly not what had happened.

"Sirius! Sirius, how could you? You betrayed Lily and James!" Peter yelled out, and then Sirius saw him step over the opening in the street for the sewer, silently slip his wand out of his cloak pocket and hide it behind his back. Then he muttered something under his breath and with a flash of blinding purple-blue light he was gone, with only a bloody finger left behind, and a pile of clothes. But Sirius knew better than to believe he was dead. He had cut off his finger and transformed into a rat.

Sirius was driven temporarily mad when Peter had got away. He laughed, and laughed… manically for no reason, even when Aurors took him straight to jail joyously shouting "He's gone! You-Know-Who's gone!" And there he sat, for twelve long, tedious years, keeping himself alive with only one though; he was innocent. Until one fateful day twelve years later…


	2. Why It Wasn't So Hard The Second Time

The title of this chapter is referring to why Remus handled Sirius's death so well. The following story, along with all he's undoubtedly been through has given him a tough armor from the display of emotion. Even though he still is this devastated about Sirius's death, he's felt this before. He becomes afraid of his own tears; because his tears made him feel the full blast of it all... he wants to numb the pain.

Remus was sitting idly by the fire reading the papers when he had fallen fast asleep. Sirius had just left to go visit Lily and James. Remus was waiting for his grandmother to show up so he couldn't go with him. His grandmother never showed up, but that's a different story. In the morning Remus got a very ambiguous wake-up call. He started and looked up to see three owls who were trying loudly to get through the closed window. He pulled himself together and walked over to the window to let them in. One by one they flew inside, ruffled their slightly wet feathers and stuck out their legs. Remus detached the letters from their legs and started with the message with "MINISTRY OF MAGIC" on it, printed in official looking writing.

_Dear Remus Lupin,_

_We are more than happy to announce to the whole wizarding world that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is has at last been driven down! _

Remus stared at the page and his jaw dropped in shock and surprise.

_We can safely assure you that you can remove the heavy blinds, excessive magical locks, and many alarm systems from your homes and live in peace. If you would like to attend a meeting discussing the downfall of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, come to the ministry of Magic on September 9th and contribute to the now much safer magical community._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_**Rufus Scrimgeour**_

_New Head of the Auror Office_

"Merlin's Beard!" cried Remus joyously, "He's gone! Voldemort's gone! Hallelujah! I should celebrate! Hoorah!" But then he stopped, realizing nobody was in the room and proceeded to open the second letter his heart still soaring. This one did not contain such happy news.

_Dear Remus,_

_There is something I would like to tell you but I'm afraid the impact will be worse in a letter. Please see me in my office as soon as you can. Bring your favorite coat._

_Yours truly,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

_As soon as I read this letter, _thought Remus. He was still happy but a slight twinge of fear irritated him. His favorite coat? This only meant bad news. Remus had a very special coat… he had it since he was very young…. Over all, the letter from Dumbledore did not sound good. Remus opened the third letter carefully, and then looked down to read it.

Dear Mr. Lupin,

We understand that you share a home with Mr. Sirius O. Black. Several accumulative events have led to the arrest and imprisonment of your said roommate. He is being kept in cell 1316 in Azkaban prison for reasons that Albus Dumbledore will be taking the liberty to explain to you. He will be sending a letter summoning you and it should arrive about the same time as this one.

From,

Shane Vide

Supervisor of Azkaban Prison

Remus gaped at the letter. His head was spinning and he was breathing feverishly. _Sirius in Azkaban! _It was too hard for Remus to comprehend. He was gasping for breath and he staggered back into the soft armchair. His head was buzzing, but through, good old Remus managed to think up one logical thought. _I have to see Dumbledore. _He grabbed his coat, staggered to the fireplace, and, throwing in a pinch of floo powder yelled, "Dumbledore's Office, Hogwarts School!" And he vanished.

"Hello Remus, please sit down." It was Dumbledore. Remus had emerged from the fire holding his coat tightly, brushed himself off from all the soot, and sat down in the comfortable chair Dumbledore had conjured up for him. Instead of being on the other side of Dumbledore's desk, it was by the fireplace where Dumbledore was also sitting.

"I er… I got a letter from Azkaban," said Remus shakily. "It's about S-Sirius."

"I'm aware of that," Dumbledore said softly, "And I will discuss this with you, but not right away. Firstly, as I'm sure you know, Voldemort has fallen." He paused here as if to let the statement sink in. "I wish to tell you how this happened. Are you ready?" Remus nodded. It was as if he was a little kid who had gotten into trouble and been taken to the headmaster's office.

"As you know, Voldemort was very keen on finding and… and killing the Potters. Last night… He found them. He got to their house. The Fideleus Charm was… fully functional, and yet it did no good. And then He killed Lily and… and James. James tried to protect his family, but was killed and Lily… she tried to protect harry… He killed her as well. Then he turned on Harry and uttered the killing curse… and it rebounded on Harry and came at Voldemort, leaving nothing but a lighting bolt shaped scar upon Harry's forehead… and an orphaned child."

Dumbledore stopped here, watching Remus. His skin had turned very pale and he did not seem to be breathing. After a few seconds he began taking in sharp, rasping intakes of breath, as if he had forgotten how to breathe, and his eyes were very wide, as wide as they would get during his transformation to a werewolf. But all these strange symptoms were not him transforming into a werewolf. This was grief, and shock, and over all, horror at what had happened. Remus was still breathing abnormally, and then he began to cry. He sobbed heartily, shoulders shaking, he cried as if it he were a child with skinned knees watching his mother bleed to death. He bent double, putting his face into his lap where his coat lay, and he hugged his coat so tightly, that if it were a person, they would choke to death. Dumbledore knew better than to try and comfort this man. Nothing could comfort him now. After a few minutes, Remus's crying became quieter, though tears were still streaming down his face and his shoulders were still shaking with sobs, he was determined to listen to the rest of Dumbledore's explanation. Dumbledore sensed this and continued carefully.

"And there is something else… something I did not know of when I sent you that owl. Earlier today, very early in the morning, Sirius was seen with Peter and, he killed him. All that was left was a finger, and a heap of clothes. Peter had tracked down Sirius to get him back for… for betraying Lily and James. Sirius sold Lily and James out to Voldemort. He told him their whereabouts, and, of course, Voldemort could then find them, as the secret keeper had revealed the information. Sirius is now serving a life's sentence in Azkaban. And Remus… He betrayed Lily and James." This part, it seemed, was even painful for Dumbledore to say.

"NO!" shouted Remus, "HE WOULDN'T DO THAT! HE SAID HE'D RATHER DIE! NO NO NO NO NO I WON'T HEAR IT NO!" he was once again acting like a child, but he didn't care anymore. The pain was overwhelming and he was still crying. He refused to believe that Sirius would do that. It hurt too much. Dumbledore remained silent for a few seconds and then spoke.

"Remus, I know this is painful. All your friends are dead, but one turning out to be a traitor, I know it hurts, but in the end, I'm afraid you have to except it, okay?" Remus nodded shakily, as he had burst into a flurry of renewed sobs. Sirius was a traitor. Remus would never have thought this would happen. He was convinced that Sirius would've done as he had, and died rather than betray Lily and James.

"Are you ready to go home now?" Dumbledore asked kindly. Remus nodded, got up, and staggered, half blinded by tears, to the fire. He threw in the floo powder, but words would ot come out of his mouth. Dumbledore saw this and walked into the fire too.

"Number Fourteen, Harrington Road!" said Dumbledore calmly. They disappeared in a burst of green flames and reappeared at Remus's house. "Goodbye, Remus." and he disapparated. Remus was shaking feverishly and clutching his coat. He walked slowly to his room and lay down, fully clothed. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but he realized that it was too empty. Not just the house, Remus had slept in an empty house plenty of times before, but the world. He felt as if everybody he knew was leaving him behind, all alone. But there was a thought that twisted his insides and made him screw up his face in horror. That thought was of what Sirius had done. He knew that he had to have done it, but something in the back of his brain was telling him that something wasn't right. Remus smelled a rat and he had no idea why. He rolled over in his bed and, after a few hours, cried himself to sleep.


End file.
